don’t be mad at me but… i painted this photo of your model ex boyfriend up to look like a drag queen. yeah ok i got jealous of his rugged sailor style good looks. i’m only huuuuuman.
don’t be mad at me but… i may have left this on your mom’s livingroom floor and then when she asked me i said it was yours.
don’t be mad at me but… i wrote the lyrics to Poison by Bel Biv Devo on the bottom of one of your fancy dining room chairs that you got at Crate n Barrel. i have no excuse other than this song is fuckin rad, yo.
don’t be mad at me but… i couldn’t eat this cheese plate you made for me. i love cheese but this looks like you made it and left it sitting in a boiler room for two years. is that brown thing a slug? i still love you even if you can’t cook.
don’t be mad at me but… the other night when we made arthur shaped mac n cheese i spilled some in da sink. then i put the sinky ones back in when you weren’t looking. i didn’t wanna be wasteful! there are starving children in Ethiopia who would kill for sinky arthur shaped mac n cheese.
don’t be mad at me but… i dressed up yer dog. i needed a model for this thing i’m designing for my fashion class and he seemed willing once i offered him bacon… but then the hood fell over his eyes and he knocked over your collection of ceramic chickens. it’s not his fault so don’t yell at him. i love you!
don’t be mad at me but… i ate half a bag of these and then burped for an hour straight. are you still attracted to me, i mean sexually?
don’t be mad at me but… i played a game of dirty scrabble with myself while you were at work. i know you told me to do the dishes but you gotta admit spelling vagina “vijiner” was a moment of genius not to be missed. please don’t throw that dish at my head.
don’t be mad at me.
